Thankfulness

||Wow, It's been almost 2 months since my last post. It was not intentional to have such a long break between postings but I'm going to try and be more consistent.||

Thanksgiving

Usually, this time of year is one I would have been looking forward to for months but this year, the anticipation is not there. You see, my dad loved Thanksgiving, the trees turning colors and especially when we would have a day of 70 degree weather in the midst of 40 degree days. "That's what I love about the South!" he used to say. While I am excited to be with my family and have a break from school, the past couple of weeks have been harder than normal. Thinking about the hole we will have has been so painful but I am thankful to have such a supportive family to go through this with me. 

In the midst of my sadness, there is still joy and plenty to be thankful for. I am thankful for my sisters, brother, mom, cousins (who are more like additional siblings), a job I love, a house, salvation, the ability to walk and to run and to dance, friends, tennis, etc. I could keep going. The thing is: I don't deserve a single one of these things  (1 Corinthians 15:10) and I certainly didn't deserve to have a dad who loved me unconditionally and sacrificially.  The Lord is gracious to bless me with these things but He can also take any of it away at any moment. Six months ago,I suddenly learned that lesson. I don't understand why all of this has happened but I know that God is Sovereign and he was not taken by surprise by any little bit of it. It was all apart of His Plan to draw more people to Himself. One thing I have learned is that my purpose on this Earth is to bring God glory and to make His name known. For that purpose, He gives and He takes away (Job 1:21).  Even writing that, it is still hard to comes to term with but as I remind myself of that day in and day out, it becomes a bit easier to accept.  

I read a blog the other day by someone who had lost her mother when she was my age. She explains that one thing she learned through it all was that the world doesn't stop. Even though many days I feel overwhelmed and defeated by this great loss, I have to press on and ask the Lord for his help to get through them. One thing that has aided me in my healing is training for a half marathon in the Spring. (oops, now that that is in the open, I guess I can't back out now!) Setting a goal for my future has been therapeutic because it gives me something to focus on. Working towards the half has given me a way to channel my grief. It's hard to put into words so I apologize if that's hard to understand. Though the training will be hard, no doubt, I have full confidence that the Lord will strengthen me and enable me to accomplish it. 

"For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them -yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me" 1 Corinthians 15:10 

For His Glory,
Jess

*Please keep my family in your prayers this week as we navigate another "first." *

Never Give Up

School is in full force these days. Is it really about to be October? Time is flying by right now! Over the last few weeks, I have found myself thinking over and over again about the power of prayer. As I have written before, I have experienced doubt where I questioned the purpose of prayer. But...in true fashion, the Lord uses small whispers and unlikely things to get our attention. I will explain:

A few weeks ago, my school was having some renovations done to the playground which limited our use for recess time. One particular day, my teaching aide and I were trying to play a movie for the kids to watch. We tried different DVD players, computers and projectors and nothing was working. Finally, she remembered that there was a T.V. and a DVD player already hooked up in another room. As we took the kids to a different room, I just knew that this time we were going to get the movie to play. Alas, this was not the case. In the midst of our frustration, I could hear my dad reminding me to "pray about everything" as he had done so many times growing up. I asked my aide and my students to stop what we were doing and pray that we could get the movie working. The second she said "Amen" she pressed one button and the movie started playing, No. Lie.

For many of you, this might seem like nothing extraordinary but for me it was a gentle reminder. God is still God and He still answers prayers no matter how big or small they may be. Even though God called my dad Home, it doesn't mean that I should give up praying. My Uncle Rick shared a story recently about their grandmother who was a fierce prayer warrior. He recalled how, at her funeral, my dad said that some people in our family would have to step up and take her place as  a prayer warrior for our family. This story resonated with me. At the time of Grandmother Rush's death, Dad was spurred on by her life as it challenged him to up his prayer game. For those of you who didn't know my dad well, he got up every morning without fail and prayed for about 2 hours before his day began. How many of us do that? I know that I am guilty of letting my alarm clock snooze until the last possible second and forfeiting my time in the presence of our Lord in exchange for more sleep. My dad knew that he needed time with his Savior to prepare his mind, heart and thoughts for the challenges and decisions he would face each day. More importantly, Dad never gave up on God. He didn't stop getting up to pray when he faced personal struggles or he challenges at work or when God told him "No." He was confident in the sovereignty of God and knew that God knows what He is doing better than we do. 

I hope Dad's example will begin to spur you on, as it will me, to improve your prayer life. May we call upon Jesus each day and bring to him our worries and fears as well as our thankfulness for his grace and mercy. May we not be discouraged when the answer to our prayers is "No" and place our trust in Him and His Sovereignty. 

In the words of Winston Churchill, " Never, never, never give up." 

For His Glory,
Jessica      

True Faith

I am officially back in Mississippi. It's great to be back but I am definitely missing the comforts of home and the slowness of summer. Today, I started back school and I anticipate that life will speed up quickly. Being back has also brought with it a flood of emotion as I learn how to live this part of my life without a very special person. 

Over the past few weeks, I had to put my grief on hold as I fought to stay positive about my mom's diagnosis. Walking through her diagnosis, surgery and then clean report (PRAISE!) subconsciously forced me to compartmentalize and detour from my grief. As I have returned back to my "normal" life here in MS, I have returned from this "detour" and I am facing it head on again. I still have sad, teary days but the Lord is gracious to also bring forth joy and smiles in the midst of it all.

At church on Sunday, the sermon was on prayer. As soon as my preacher began, I knew that his message was meant specifically for me. His message was one about being persistent in prayer. In his sermon, he referenced the parable of the persistent widow who begs for justice until  the judge finally grants it (Luke 18). What a wonderful picture of how we are to be persistent in our prayers. If the unjust, ungodly judge answered the woman whom he couldn't care less about, how much more will my Father who chose me and loves me answer me when I ask things. As I sat in my chair, I was thinking about how I asked for my dad's life and healing - my problem wasn't with the asking, it was with the answering. In God's perfect timing, it felt like my pastor had heard my thoughts as he continued on with the sermon. He referenced David, a man after God's own heart, who begged for his son to be healed. He fasted, tore his clothes and prayed unceasingly, yet his son still died. Sometimes, God answers with a "yes" or "no" but sometimes he answers with "not in this lifetime but in eternity." That, I believe is how God answered my prayer and the prayers of countless others. When we begged for Dad to have more time on this Earth and for him to get out of that hospital bed, God said "not in this lifetime, but in eternity." As I told someone the other day, I feel like I have begun to fully understand what it means to have faith. Before my dad died and my mom got sick, faith (to me) meant that I believed in Jesus Christ the Son of God, that he took my punishment on the cross to cleanse me of my sin and that he is alive today in Heaven. While all of that is still true, I now understand faith differently. My pastor summed it up so well: 

"True faith is not getting from God what you want. True faith is accepting from God what He gives." -Chip Henderson, Pine Lake

This definition goes right along with what I have been reading in the book of Job. Towards the beginning of the book, after Job loses his children, his cattle, and is afflicted with painful sores, Job's wife tells him to curse God and die. His response to her struck me to my core: 

"Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" Job 2:10

Job knew that he could not accept the pleasant things from God and yet deny the troubles and tribulations as well. He knew that God was not being mean-hearted but that He was working things for His Glory. We have to accept what God gives us and have faith that He knows what He is doing. Daily, I have to remind myself that God is receiving glory and that is what matters. God and His Glory has to be enough for me. God and God alone. 

For His Glory,
Jessica

P.S. - I have a few prayer requests to bring to you:
-continued prayers for my family as we continue to walk through grief
-Please pray for me as I start back school: that I would adjust to my new school and speak the Gospel over my students daily as I seek to point them to our Savior
-Praise the Lord for my mom's clean bill of health from the doctor! 

And because I haven't posted a new photo in a while....

Tampa, FL circa 1998

Storm Warning

{Beware: this is probably my most honest post ever.}

For those of you who don't know, my mom was diagnosed this week with uterine cancer. Wow. As the doctor delivered the news, I could not believe what I was hearing. More bad news? I. was. angry. My first thought was "Have we not been through enough?" I spent the rest of the day trying to stay positive but really, in my heart, I was angry at God and my hope was nonexistent. Then, yesterday morning, I had to drive to Jackson for a meeting at my school. This afforded me some hours alone in the car. On the way there, I started thinking about the last 8 weeks of my life. I thought about what the next few were going to look like with mom's surgery. The only way I can describe how I was feeling was H E A V Y. I just had  deep aching in my chest. Sad that Dad isn't here to go through this with us, fearful about what the doctor will find during surgery. I just felt this immense weight. When I got to Jackson,  I got a phone call from a lady at my parent's church (looking at you Mama Miller :). She wanted to offer some encouraging words and to ask if it was okay to send out a church wide prayer request about my mom. After telling her it was okay, I hung up the phone. All I could think though was, "What's the point? Tons of people prayed for my dad and that didn't turn out how we wanted it. Why do I even pray?"

After thinking about this for a few moments, I went on my way because I had a few things to do before my meeting. Usually, I just turn on my iTunes radio station to something upbeat and contemporary but yesterday I chose to go to my All Sons and Daughters radio station. If you haven't listened to them, you should. It seemed like all of the songs  I was hearing related to the fact that God doesn't change. He is always faithful, even when I am not. Even if my faith wavers, He does not. The Lord then pulled to memory a verse from my devotional the night before: Deuteuronomy 30:19

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live."   

I then decided that I am going to choose life. I am not going to live in fear of what a doctor will tell my mother. I am going to choose to believe that God will heal my mother, whether it is in a way that I like or not.  All of a sudden, I was flooded with peace. Even though, my faith had been wavering, God did not. He is a firm foundation that does not move. I choose to stand on the Rock and not let anything take away my faith.

To wrap all this up, as I was driving home from Jackson, I drove though a small storm. I couldn't help but think about the parallels to my life right now. (I know you have probably all heard a cliché sermon on the "storms of life" but bear with me.) Sometimes, storms are short and you can see the light at the end of the clouds. But, sometimes the storms are dark. You know that it will end at some point, but you just can't see the silver lining yet. That's how I feel my life is like right now. I know that one day, my family will make it to see the other side but right now it's just clouds. That is why, more than ever, my faith has to be built on the Rock and not easily deterred. Join with me as we declare healing over my mom and praise the Lord for being Him, no matter what!

For His Glory,
Jessica

Security

Security: freedom from care, anxiety, or doubt; well-founded confidence

Growing up, I was never in need. I was always fed, clothed and loved as every child should be. When I was little, I attributed this to my parents as they worked to provide for our family. But as I get older, I am starting to realize that God was/is behind it all. God is the one who is faithful to provide for my needs. He provided for my parents, who in turn, provided for me. It is because of my wonderful parents that, so many times I have trusted them more than God.

I looked to my dad to be my security so many times. When I had a big decision to make, a spiritual question, or anything really, I always went to dad first. I had to know his opinions, thoughts, concerns, etc. on whatever I was facing. I wanted his approval and blessing for whatever I was going through-THEN I would pray about it and read Scripture. I went to dad first because I knew that he would pray about it for me and he knew the Bible backwards and forwards.  My confidence would come from knowing that dad thought it was okay. Instead of immediately taking my concerns/fears/worries to the Lord and seeking Scripture, I took them to my dad. Even as I write this, I know that I am so blessed to have had a dad who provided me with almost too much security as I know so many people where that is not the case. 

Thankfully, as I entered the "real world" about a year ago, I was experiencing first hand the Lord's faithfulness and provision. Now that my dad is gone, I am learning to seek the Lord first, above all. I can no longer rely on my dad for my guidance and security, it's just me and God. 

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant-not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills but the Spirit gives life." 2 Corinthians 3:4-6

For His Glory,
Jessica

God is STILL good.

Up until about a month ago, I have had a pretty easy life. I have grown up in house with incredible parents who loved and supported me, i went to college, i have a job, etc. It is because of all of these things that I used to have a skewed view of my Heavenly Father. I used to think that something bad was just around the corner. My life was too good. Sure, I had endured small struggles but never had I experienced something that was life altering. To put it simply, I feared God and his wrath in an unhealthy way- not the respectful fear of the Lord spoken of in Scripture. I used to agonize over decisions fearing that God would punish me for making the wrong one. I was not living life under the freedom that Jesus offers when you accept him as Lord. 

As I struggled with this, the Lord drew me to Colossians 2:13-14 which says: 

"And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross."

After reading this verse, I was reminded that my punishment has been paid and fulfilled. I don't need to act like I am walking on eggshells afraid that my Father is waiting for me to mess up. The freedom that comes with knowing Jesus Christ comes with grace so that when I sin and mess up (which is inevitable), His grace covers me. When bad things happen, they are not my punishment for sin. They are God drawing me to himself and refining me for the purposes of His glory. Sometimes, I need to be disciplined just like when I was little and needed a spanking from my dad but when discipline comes, I don't need to be afraid of it. I say all of this because it is only God's timing that I was learning this before my dad passed away. 

If I had still been living under the fear of something bad happening, then my faith would have crumbled on May 15th. That type of faith was not based on the fact that Jesus died on the cross and rose again and is alive today. That faith would have said, no way God is good. He just let my perfectly healthy dad die. But thank the Lord that he was refining my faith before Dad was taken from us. It is because He brought me to this realization that I was able to say, "I still believe." This is not a punishment for my sins, it is God bringing glory to Himself. I was listening to a podcast yesterday of a man who had lost his son recently. When his wife called to tell him the bad news, his first words were, "Christ has risen from the dead and that is still true and God is still good." While I would like to say that those were my first words after my dad's Spirit went up to Heaven, that is however what I try to focus on now. My circumstances have changed, but God has not. He is STILL Sovereign, good, faithful, loving, merciful, etc. and I am so thankful I can count on Him. 

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:21-23 

Purpose

One of my dad's favorite books was "The Red Sea Rules" by Robert J. Morgan. He gave it to everyone! Seriously though, if you knew my dad then he has probably given this book to you. Basically, it walks through 10 rules we can learn from the Israelites about suffering. As I was reading the other day, a small phrase jumped off the page that immediately brought peace:

"God doesn't waste suffering"

He doesn't waste it. All of the sleepless nights, tears and pain-there is a purpose and a plan in all of it!  In Proverbs 19:21 it says, 

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

When my dad was in the hospital, I kept thinking that there was no way God wouldn't heal him. I kept thinking about the countless number of people that would surely be reached for the Kingdom from my dad and our family testifying to the miracle of dad's healing. That was my plan. But the Lord's purpose prevails, not mine. He knew that more glory would be brought to Himself through my dad's death. Many different times throughout my life, I have thought that I knew what was best but praise Him that He knows far more than me and His ways are always perfect! Maybe one day when I reach eternity I will understand all of this but faith is about trusting and believing in God no matter what circumstances and difficulties come my way. That's all I can do right now-TRUST and BELIEVE. 

For His Glory,
Jessica

Perspective Changes

Why is it so hard to begin a blog post? I know what I want to talk about but I find it hard to actually get started. 

For the past few days, i have found myself feeling a sense of peace that is hard to come by. I am attributing it to prayer as well as a change in perspective. I have learned that the more I focus on the things my dad will not be here for (weddings, births, etc.), the more sad and dejected I get. However, there are two things, that have helped me shift my focus.

First, I have to think about the things my dad was here for- tennis matches, graduations, getting my first job, football games, teaching me how to drive a stick shift..the list could go on for days! What a blessing to have a dad through all of those things! So many of my "firsts" were with him (and mom too :) and I am unbelievably grateful. Thinking about these positive things is so uplifting! Never has Philippians 4:8 been so clearly understood. 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

When i think about such things, my heart is overcome with thankfulness to the Lord for the years I had with Dad instead of filled with anger and bitterness over the years I won't have with him. 

Secondly, I think about what my dad is experiencing in Heaven right now. On the Facebook page about my dad, someone posted that even if Dad had the chance to return back to us, he wouldn't. As much as he loved his family, he loved his Lord more. When I first read that, I found myself being a little offended and hurt. Of course, I want to think that my dad would come back to us if he could. Then, I began to realize how true that statement is. The Bible tells us that our love for our families should look like hate compared to how much we love Him (Luke 14:26). Dad had it right. In the past, I have never been very concerned with what Heaven will be like. I always knew that it's going to be better than anything I can imagine and that was enough for me. However, my interest in what Heaven will be like has significantly increased lately.I mean, I want to know what my dad is up to up there! :) One of the tools I am using to study it is a book called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. If you have never read it, I recommend it!   

One thing I want to make clear before I end today is that I do NOT have it all together. I still have breakdowns and bad days, but I am praying my way through it all. My God isn't going anywhere and I am resting on that promise today! 

For His Glory,
Jessica 

Mission Accomplished

I have thought about writing a blog for a few years but each time I have stopped short because I thought, "Who really cares what I have to say?" Nevertheless, I have decided to ignore my doubts and fears and give it a go...

May 15th, 2014

The past month has been a roller coaster - and not the fun kind. What started out as a simple outpatient procedure for my dad, turned into a serious infection that ultimately took his life. The week he spent in the ICU and the weeks since his death have been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my short 24 years of life. While I cannot even begin to understand why all of this happened, I know that God is Sovereign and he was not surprised by any of this. This next year will undoubtedly be difficult and hard but if there is one thing I have learned through all of this, is that the Lord uses tough circumstances to refine us and make us more like Jesus. I am confident that he will use my dad's death to refine all of the Rush family - immediate and extended. I hope to use this blog to encourage others as well as help myself process the grief of losing my precious daddy. I apologize if my thoughts seem jumbled-each day brings a flood of new emotions and there is so much I feel is in my heart. 

The afternoon after my dad met Jesus, my Aunt Sharon and I were sitting in my parent's living room talking about the "why" of it all. In the midst of tears, we were both comforted by the fact that dad has received his reward for a life well lived. My dad was a faithful man who pursued the Lord with all of his heart and on May 15th, 2014 he was called home to be with his Lord. While it doesn't diminish the hole in my soul from losing him, knowing that Dad is in the presence of our Mighty and Awesome Lord and Savior, Creator of the Universe is such an encouraging thought. At the celebration of life service we had to honor Dad's life, my Uncle Rick put it best: Dad's mission was accomplished. He had accomplished everything the Lord set out for him and it was time for him to get to enjoy the eternity in Heaven he so longed for. 

One quick story before I go: At my mom's elementary school, the students held a special time of prayer just for dad while he was in the hospital. After it was over, a 4th grade student approached his teacher and wanted to ask Jesus into his heart. I LOVED hearing this story because I know that Dad would not have hesitated to die if he knew his sickness and death would help save one soul for eternity.   

For His Glory,
Jessica

"Yet he did not wavier through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised." Romans 4:20-21