Wild and Free

Even though I seem to have pretty much hung up my blogging shoes, I am too inspired not to write this. For the past few weeks, I have been apart of a bible study at my church as we read through the book Wild and Free. I had no idea the impact it would have on me and how God would use it to grow me. 

For the past year - let's get real, probably 2 years - I have struggled a lot with being single. Honestly, I can't believe I just admitted that but it's true. I struggled so much so, that I became obsessed with wanting to know who was single and constantly wanting to be set up with friends of my friends. It was pretty bad. When I think about what was driving this deep yearning, I believe it stemmed from a desire to be known and to be loved by someone. I thought if I had a significant other, I would never be alone because there would always be someone to care for me. When my dad was still alive, he was my back up plan. I always knew that if marriage wasn't in God's plan for me, Dad would take care of me. After all, he probably knew me better than anyone. But he can't be my "plan B" anymore. So naturally, I have been seeking that from someone else. 

As I was reading my chapters for this particular week, I came to a page that had Psalm 139 on it- verses I have read many times before. This time, it felt as if I was reading it for the first time. The beginning of it says: 

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain."

It was then I realized, all of the things I have been searching for in a guy I already have from my Father. It blows my mind to think that the Creator of the universe knows me better then I know myself. And even more then that, He knows me and He STILL loves me in spite of all my sin. As the writers of the book eloquently put it, "To be fully known and fully loved gives us immense and crazy freedom to be the woman God made us to be, to respond to the Holy Spirit without fear, and to love without reservation." After reading this, it was like a wave of freedom rushed over me. No longer am I bound by this desire to be known and loved...I already am! This frees me up to be who God created me to be and to walk boldly in that.

You may not be able to relate to this at all, but I know someone can- someone who has been searching for their worth or identity in anyone other than God our Father. Take heart and know that you are already loved and known..you just have to accept it!

For His Glory,
Jess

Wild and Free small group

 

  

God the Father

Wow. It has been an extremely long time since I have written anything. When I started this blog, it was a place for me to process my grief and what God was teaching me and it has definitely accomplished that purpose. Of course, life has been moving at warp speed and I have neglected taking the time to write my thoughts. Alas, I am here to write again. May God use my words to encourage you through what he has been teaching me!

Throughout my life, I never seemed to struggle with the knowledge that God is my Father. I was blessed with an amazing one here on Earth so it was not a stretch for me to understand that God loved like my dad did. Or so I thought...

After my dad died, I quickly realized that I had not been seeing God as my Father but seeing him as my Protector, Provider, Redeemer (which, of course, he is). You see, why did I need to understand God as a father when, even with his flaws, I already had a pretty dang good one right in front of me. God in his perfect timing started to unveil this truth to me in the days that followed my dad's death as a dear friend of mine, who lost her father at the age of six, told me that she didn't start to truly understand the Father aspect of God until just a few months prior. When she shared that with me, I remember thinking that if it took many years to process and understand that, then I would try to work through it later. Well...it's later. 

As I have shared before, Dad was (for lack of a better word and among MANY other things) my security plan. I knew that no matter what happened in life, I could always run to him and cry in his arms and he would make it all better. This dependence upon him has left a huge void as you can imagine. I have thought, "I can't wait until I get married so that I know I have someone to take care of me and love me like Dad did so I won't be alone." Wow. Even as I write that, I am embarrassed to admit it. But how many of us have the same thought process? If I only had _______, I would feel safe, loved, valued, etc.  But praise the Lord, He is is teaching me that His love is all I ever need. God is using music to minister to my Spirit and heart, like he has done so many times before, to help me with this. Last Sunday at church, I heard the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. The chorus says, 

"You're a good, good Father. It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who are. And I am loved by You. It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am. "

The words moved me. God is my Father and he loves me. That is who I am. I don't want to be defined by what I do, who my friends are or what people think of me. When I think about myself, I want to be defined by the knowledge that God is my dad and he loves me. Period. I know that I will never get over the loss of my Earthly dad, but my Heavenly Dad who created me and knows everything about me is still here and loves me unconditionally.  Psalm 68:5 days, " Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation." Thank you Lord that I can find my security in You! I don't have to feel alone because God is with me and he knows more about me than I even know about myself. 

If you are struggling with being defined by success, beauty, the affections of others, or any other number of things, I challenge you to begin praying what I will be praying. "Lord let me see myself the way that you see me." 

You are loved by your Father. Once that truth sinks in, I believe we will not care about anything other than bringing Him honor and glory. 

For His Glory,
JCR

Year One.

The past 367 days have been the hardest days of my life. I had no idea what God had in store for me and my family a year and 2 days ago. 367 days ago I didn't know how I was going to continue living life without my dad being there to witness it. He was my best friend, role model, cheerleader, number one fan, confidant, counselor, etc. I used to always have the thought, "I don't know how I could survive without my dad." I would feel bad when I heard that someone had suffered the loss of a parent but secretly be thankful that it wasn't me. Now, here I stand a year after suffering the unimaginable loss of my dad. It is only by God's grace and faithfulness that I am where I am today. He has brought me through this journey of loss and grief and has brought me to a place of peace.

In the surrounding days after my dad passed, my emotions were all over the place. I was mad, confused, sad and angry at God, but yet deep down I knew that it wasn't a mistake. God, in his infinite wisdom and sovereignty did not mess up and accidentally call the wrong person Home. Over the next few months I struggled with the "Why?" question and neglected my relationship with the Lord. To put it simply, I just didn't care. I didn't care about spending time reading my Bible or praying. They didn't seem to do me a lot of good in the hospital so why would I keep it up? But God, didn't stop caring about me. Romans 8:38-39.... Hallelujah! He never stopped loving me or caring about me. He is constant, unwavering and faithful even when I am the opposite of all of those things. He is the reason that I am surviving without my dad.

One of the many questions I had throughout this journey was surrounding the reason behind prayer. If God is Sovereign and His will is perfect, can I change it by uttering a few words before I go to sleep at night? While I certainly do not have all of the questions, my conclusion thus far is this: The chief end to prayer is that the father my be glorified. While I am still hashing this out as I read Scripture and some books that were recommended to me, I am confident that the purpose of my life (and yours) is to bring God glory. When we seek His face through prayer, we are glorifying His name. If our ultimate desire is '"Thy will be done" then we have to have complete faith and trust in the "Thy will" part of that prayer. Of course, His will is not always easy, as I can personally attest to, but I know that God's name has been glorified through my dad's death. My prayer is that God would use my life and the lives of my family to bring Himself glory because I want my dad's death to matter. I want others to come to know Christ because of it. I want people who have distanced themselves from God to draw near to Him. God desires to be in a relationship with you!

There will always be a part of me that is missing because my dad is not here but I am confident that God will send people to "stand in the gap" as he already has. The body of Christ has shown up and shown out. The amount of people who have taken care of us from serving us food, to fixing our backyard to mowing the grass to simply sending a text saying they were praying or thinking of us has been unbelievable. I have learned more about the passage in 1 Corinthians 12:26 "If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together." Thank you to everyone who has been there for us.

In closing, I am grateful to say that my relationship with the Lord is the strongest it has ever been. While I am saddened about what it took to get here, I am grateful that I can testify to the Lord's goodness and faithfulness even in the midst of sorrow. I know that my suffering was not meaningless and that there is purpose in it all.

From "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson   

"Psalm 56:8 'You have collected all my tears in your bottle.' Each and every teardrop is precious to God. They are eternal keepsakes. The day will come when He wipes away every tear in heaven. Until then, God will move heaven and earth to honor every tear that has been shed. Not a single tear is lost on God. He remembers each one. He honors each one. he collects each one."

Amen.
For His Glory,
JCR

Safety Net

As I have stated before, my security has always been found in my dad. For so much of my life he was my provider: of physical needs, emotional needs and spiritual needs. I am so grateful God allowed me to be his daughter and that I was always taken care of. More than that, my dad was always my safety net. I knew that if anything ever went wrong, Dad was going to be there to catch me. He was my source of stabilty and where I would turn when I had exciting news or when something went wrong. In the months following his death, I have struggled with where to find my security knowing that ultimately it should be in the Lord but desperately trying to find something (or rather someone) here on Earth who could take that place for me. I thought that maybe I would find the answer when I got married one day. After all, marriage is about having someone to do life with right? Or maybe if I had a boyfriend I could call when things got tough. Well, thankfully, I am not getting married anytime soon nor am I dating anyone which has forced me to deal with this issue of where to find my security. Earlier this week, I decided to consult the Bible on this very issue. I came across this verse:

 "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

How comforting is it to know that God promises to supply my needs?! The God of the universe promises to take care of me. Wow. Another verse that penetrated my heart:

"I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one can snatch them out of the Father's hand." John 10:28-29

As believers, no one can snatch us from our Father's hand. These verses spoke volumes to me. No matter what happens in my life: failures, triumphs, disappointments, encouragements- God remains the same and he will keep me in his hand. Therefore, I can confidently say that my security is in Jesus Christ. Jesus redeemed my life from the pit of hell when he took my place on the cross. His death allowed to be in relationship with God our Father. This same God promises to supply my needs. It is because of this, I can be free from anxiety or fear of the future. I can be secure that God's got everything under control.
It is so easy, as a woman, to think that I have to have a guy to feel complete and secure but that is incredibly FALSE. I have become so thankful that I have been single during this time of grief and growth because I know it has made me that much stronger and forced me to work it out with God and depend on Him for my everything. He is my "safety net" now. I have so much peace now about my future and I owe it all to Him.

For His Glory,
JCR

Long Time, No Writing...

I have severely neglected this blog. For a while, I thought it was just because I felt pressure to write or maybe because I didn't want to let anyone down. But about three weeks ago, I began to figure it out. 

The reason I didn't have anything to write was because my inspiration was gone. When I started writing this summer, I was pouring my heart out to the Lord and he was filling me with words. My writing was an overflow of what He was doing in my life and the time I was spending with Him. I realized that I didn't have anything to write because I wasn't spending quality time with the Lord. You see, I had been reading my 3 minute devotional every morning but I was just going through the motions. My heart was not in it. 

Ever since I moved back to Jackson in the fall, my heart had been wrestling with so many different things one of which was the apathy I had towards the Lord. I think that I felt so beaten down by what had happened in my life, I just didn't care. I knew the Lord was going to be there for me when I was ready but I just didn't want to spend time with the Lord.   

About 2 weeks ago, something changed. One Sunday afternoon, after a very busy weekend, I finally got away and has some alone time. In the quiet, I finally broke down and started weeping. I was honest with the Lord about how much I still miss my dad, doubts I had been having and how I was just tired of going through the motions when it came to my spiritual life. It was like a weight was automatically lifted off of me. There is so much freedom in confessing to our God. When you think about it, He knows all our thoughts. (Psalm 139:23) It's silly when we think we can hide from Him and keep our thoughts a secret. Ever since that day, I have felt so much more joyful and at peace. This joy and peace has overflowed into my job and the way I treat my students as well. I spend more time praying and reading in the morning and it has made a world of difference.

I am so grateful to the Lord for being faithful and for not giving up on me. He is so patient with us and never leaves us and He promises that in his word (Deuteronomy 31:6). We can take comfort in knowing that there is room to have doubts and bad days and worries. And we can always share them with our Creator who knows them anyway and doesn't condemn us for them (Romans 8:1). AMEN to that!

For His Glory,
Jessica

Thankfulness

||Wow, It's been almost 2 months since my last post. It was not intentional to have such a long break between postings but I'm going to try and be more consistent.||

Thanksgiving

Usually, this time of year is one I would have been looking forward to for months but this year, the anticipation is not there. You see, my dad loved Thanksgiving, the trees turning colors and especially when we would have a day of 70 degree weather in the midst of 40 degree days. "That's what I love about the South!" he used to say. While I am excited to be with my family and have a break from school, the past couple of weeks have been harder than normal. Thinking about the hole we will have has been so painful but I am thankful to have such a supportive family to go through this with me. 

In the midst of my sadness, there is still joy and plenty to be thankful for. I am thankful for my sisters, brother, mom, cousins (who are more like additional siblings), a job I love, a house, salvation, the ability to walk and to run and to dance, friends, tennis, etc. I could keep going. The thing is: I don't deserve a single one of these things  (1 Corinthians 15:10) and I certainly didn't deserve to have a dad who loved me unconditionally and sacrificially.  The Lord is gracious to bless me with these things but He can also take any of it away at any moment. Six months ago,I suddenly learned that lesson. I don't understand why all of this has happened but I know that God is Sovereign and he was not taken by surprise by any little bit of it. It was all apart of His Plan to draw more people to Himself. One thing I have learned is that my purpose on this Earth is to bring God glory and to make His name known. For that purpose, He gives and He takes away (Job 1:21).  Even writing that, it is still hard to comes to term with but as I remind myself of that day in and day out, it becomes a bit easier to accept.  

I read a blog the other day by someone who had lost her mother when she was my age. She explains that one thing she learned through it all was that the world doesn't stop. Even though many days I feel overwhelmed and defeated by this great loss, I have to press on and ask the Lord for his help to get through them. One thing that has aided me in my healing is training for a half marathon in the Spring. (oops, now that that is in the open, I guess I can't back out now!) Setting a goal for my future has been therapeutic because it gives me something to focus on. Working towards the half has given me a way to channel my grief. It's hard to put into words so I apologize if that's hard to understand. Though the training will be hard, no doubt, I have full confidence that the Lord will strengthen me and enable me to accomplish it. 

"For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them -yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me" 1 Corinthians 15:10 

For His Glory,
Jess

*Please keep my family in your prayers this week as we navigate another "first." *

Never Give Up

School is in full force these days. Is it really about to be October? Time is flying by right now! Over the last few weeks, I have found myself thinking over and over again about the power of prayer. As I have written before, I have experienced doubt where I questioned the purpose of prayer. But...in true fashion, the Lord uses small whispers and unlikely things to get our attention. I will explain:

A few weeks ago, my school was having some renovations done to the playground which limited our use for recess time. One particular day, my teaching aide and I were trying to play a movie for the kids to watch. We tried different DVD players, computers and projectors and nothing was working. Finally, she remembered that there was a T.V. and a DVD player already hooked up in another room. As we took the kids to a different room, I just knew that this time we were going to get the movie to play. Alas, this was not the case. In the midst of our frustration, I could hear my dad reminding me to "pray about everything" as he had done so many times growing up. I asked my aide and my students to stop what we were doing and pray that we could get the movie working. The second she said "Amen" she pressed one button and the movie started playing, No. Lie.

For many of you, this might seem like nothing extraordinary but for me it was a gentle reminder. God is still God and He still answers prayers no matter how big or small they may be. Even though God called my dad Home, it doesn't mean that I should give up praying. My Uncle Rick shared a story recently about their grandmother who was a fierce prayer warrior. He recalled how, at her funeral, my dad said that some people in our family would have to step up and take her place as  a prayer warrior for our family. This story resonated with me. At the time of Grandmother Rush's death, Dad was spurred on by her life as it challenged him to up his prayer game. For those of you who didn't know my dad well, he got up every morning without fail and prayed for about 2 hours before his day began. How many of us do that? I know that I am guilty of letting my alarm clock snooze until the last possible second and forfeiting my time in the presence of our Lord in exchange for more sleep. My dad knew that he needed time with his Savior to prepare his mind, heart and thoughts for the challenges and decisions he would face each day. More importantly, Dad never gave up on God. He didn't stop getting up to pray when he faced personal struggles or he challenges at work or when God told him "No." He was confident in the sovereignty of God and knew that God knows what He is doing better than we do. 

I hope Dad's example will begin to spur you on, as it will me, to improve your prayer life. May we call upon Jesus each day and bring to him our worries and fears as well as our thankfulness for his grace and mercy. May we not be discouraged when the answer to our prayers is "No" and place our trust in Him and His Sovereignty. 

In the words of Winston Churchill, " Never, never, never give up." 

For His Glory,
Jessica