In the surrounding days after my dad passed, my emotions were all over the place. I was mad, confused, sad and angry at God, but yet deep down I knew that it wasn't a mistake. God, in his infinite wisdom and sovereignty did not mess up and accidentally call the wrong person Home. Over the next few months I struggled with the "Why?" question and neglected my relationship with the Lord. To put it simply, I just didn't care. I didn't care about spending time reading my Bible or praying. They didn't seem to do me a lot of good in the hospital so why would I keep it up? But God, didn't stop caring about me. Romans 8:38-39.... Hallelujah! He never stopped loving me or caring about me. He is constant, unwavering and faithful even when I am the opposite of all of those things. He is the reason that I am surviving without my dad.
One of the many questions I had throughout this journey was surrounding the reason behind prayer. If God is Sovereign and His will is perfect, can I change it by uttering a few words before I go to sleep at night? While I certainly do not have all of the questions, my conclusion thus far is this: The chief end to prayer is that the father my be glorified. While I am still hashing this out as I read Scripture and some books that were recommended to me, I am confident that the purpose of my life (and yours) is to bring God glory. When we seek His face through prayer, we are glorifying His name. If our ultimate desire is '"Thy will be done" then we have to have complete faith and trust in the "Thy will" part of that prayer. Of course, His will is not always easy, as I can personally attest to, but I know that God's name has been glorified through my dad's death. My prayer is that God would use my life and the lives of my family to bring Himself glory because I want my dad's death to matter. I want others to come to know Christ because of it. I want people who have distanced themselves from God to draw near to Him. God desires to be in a relationship with you!
There will always be a part of me that is missing because my dad is not here but I am confident that God will send people to "stand in the gap" as he already has. The body of Christ has shown up and shown out. The amount of people who have taken care of us from serving us food, to fixing our backyard to mowing the grass to simply sending a text saying they were praying or thinking of us has been unbelievable. I have learned more about the passage in 1 Corinthians 12:26 "If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together." Thank you to everyone who has been there for us.
In closing, I am grateful to say that my relationship with the Lord is the strongest it has ever been. While I am saddened about what it took to get here, I am grateful that I can testify to the Lord's goodness and faithfulness even in the midst of sorrow. I know that my suffering was not meaningless and that there is purpose in it all.
From "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson
"Psalm 56:8 'You have collected all my tears in your bottle.' Each and every teardrop is precious to God. They are eternal keepsakes. The day will come when He wipes away every tear in heaven. Until then, God will move heaven and earth to honor every tear that has been shed. Not a single tear is lost on God. He remembers each one. He honors each one. he collects each one."Amen.
For His Glory,
JCR
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