Year One.

The past 367 days have been the hardest days of my life. I had no idea what God had in store for me and my family a year and 2 days ago. 367 days ago I didn't know how I was going to continue living life without my dad being there to witness it. He was my best friend, role model, cheerleader, number one fan, confidant, counselor, etc. I used to always have the thought, "I don't know how I could survive without my dad." I would feel bad when I heard that someone had suffered the loss of a parent but secretly be thankful that it wasn't me. Now, here I stand a year after suffering the unimaginable loss of my dad. It is only by God's grace and faithfulness that I am where I am today. He has brought me through this journey of loss and grief and has brought me to a place of peace.

In the surrounding days after my dad passed, my emotions were all over the place. I was mad, confused, sad and angry at God, but yet deep down I knew that it wasn't a mistake. God, in his infinite wisdom and sovereignty did not mess up and accidentally call the wrong person Home. Over the next few months I struggled with the "Why?" question and neglected my relationship with the Lord. To put it simply, I just didn't care. I didn't care about spending time reading my Bible or praying. They didn't seem to do me a lot of good in the hospital so why would I keep it up? But God, didn't stop caring about me. Romans 8:38-39.... Hallelujah! He never stopped loving me or caring about me. He is constant, unwavering and faithful even when I am the opposite of all of those things. He is the reason that I am surviving without my dad.

One of the many questions I had throughout this journey was surrounding the reason behind prayer. If God is Sovereign and His will is perfect, can I change it by uttering a few words before I go to sleep at night? While I certainly do not have all of the questions, my conclusion thus far is this: The chief end to prayer is that the father my be glorified. While I am still hashing this out as I read Scripture and some books that were recommended to me, I am confident that the purpose of my life (and yours) is to bring God glory. When we seek His face through prayer, we are glorifying His name. If our ultimate desire is '"Thy will be done" then we have to have complete faith and trust in the "Thy will" part of that prayer. Of course, His will is not always easy, as I can personally attest to, but I know that God's name has been glorified through my dad's death. My prayer is that God would use my life and the lives of my family to bring Himself glory because I want my dad's death to matter. I want others to come to know Christ because of it. I want people who have distanced themselves from God to draw near to Him. God desires to be in a relationship with you!

There will always be a part of me that is missing because my dad is not here but I am confident that God will send people to "stand in the gap" as he already has. The body of Christ has shown up and shown out. The amount of people who have taken care of us from serving us food, to fixing our backyard to mowing the grass to simply sending a text saying they were praying or thinking of us has been unbelievable. I have learned more about the passage in 1 Corinthians 12:26 "If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together." Thank you to everyone who has been there for us.

In closing, I am grateful to say that my relationship with the Lord is the strongest it has ever been. While I am saddened about what it took to get here, I am grateful that I can testify to the Lord's goodness and faithfulness even in the midst of sorrow. I know that my suffering was not meaningless and that there is purpose in it all.

From "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson   

"Psalm 56:8 'You have collected all my tears in your bottle.' Each and every teardrop is precious to God. They are eternal keepsakes. The day will come when He wipes away every tear in heaven. Until then, God will move heaven and earth to honor every tear that has been shed. Not a single tear is lost on God. He remembers each one. He honors each one. he collects each one."

Amen.
For His Glory,
JCR

Safety Net

As I have stated before, my security has always been found in my dad. For so much of my life he was my provider: of physical needs, emotional needs and spiritual needs. I am so grateful God allowed me to be his daughter and that I was always taken care of. More than that, my dad was always my safety net. I knew that if anything ever went wrong, Dad was going to be there to catch me. He was my source of stabilty and where I would turn when I had exciting news or when something went wrong. In the months following his death, I have struggled with where to find my security knowing that ultimately it should be in the Lord but desperately trying to find something (or rather someone) here on Earth who could take that place for me. I thought that maybe I would find the answer when I got married one day. After all, marriage is about having someone to do life with right? Or maybe if I had a boyfriend I could call when things got tough. Well, thankfully, I am not getting married anytime soon nor am I dating anyone which has forced me to deal with this issue of where to find my security. Earlier this week, I decided to consult the Bible on this very issue. I came across this verse:

 "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

How comforting is it to know that God promises to supply my needs?! The God of the universe promises to take care of me. Wow. Another verse that penetrated my heart:

"I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one can snatch them out of the Father's hand." John 10:28-29

As believers, no one can snatch us from our Father's hand. These verses spoke volumes to me. No matter what happens in my life: failures, triumphs, disappointments, encouragements- God remains the same and he will keep me in his hand. Therefore, I can confidently say that my security is in Jesus Christ. Jesus redeemed my life from the pit of hell when he took my place on the cross. His death allowed to be in relationship with God our Father. This same God promises to supply my needs. It is because of this, I can be free from anxiety or fear of the future. I can be secure that God's got everything under control.
It is so easy, as a woman, to think that I have to have a guy to feel complete and secure but that is incredibly FALSE. I have become so thankful that I have been single during this time of grief and growth because I know it has made me that much stronger and forced me to work it out with God and depend on Him for my everything. He is my "safety net" now. I have so much peace now about my future and I owe it all to Him.

For His Glory,
JCR

Long Time, No Writing...

I have severely neglected this blog. For a while, I thought it was just because I felt pressure to write or maybe because I didn't want to let anyone down. But about three weeks ago, I began to figure it out. 

The reason I didn't have anything to write was because my inspiration was gone. When I started writing this summer, I was pouring my heart out to the Lord and he was filling me with words. My writing was an overflow of what He was doing in my life and the time I was spending with Him. I realized that I didn't have anything to write because I wasn't spending quality time with the Lord. You see, I had been reading my 3 minute devotional every morning but I was just going through the motions. My heart was not in it. 

Ever since I moved back to Jackson in the fall, my heart had been wrestling with so many different things one of which was the apathy I had towards the Lord. I think that I felt so beaten down by what had happened in my life, I just didn't care. I knew the Lord was going to be there for me when I was ready but I just didn't want to spend time with the Lord.   

About 2 weeks ago, something changed. One Sunday afternoon, after a very busy weekend, I finally got away and has some alone time. In the quiet, I finally broke down and started weeping. I was honest with the Lord about how much I still miss my dad, doubts I had been having and how I was just tired of going through the motions when it came to my spiritual life. It was like a weight was automatically lifted off of me. There is so much freedom in confessing to our God. When you think about it, He knows all our thoughts. (Psalm 139:23) It's silly when we think we can hide from Him and keep our thoughts a secret. Ever since that day, I have felt so much more joyful and at peace. This joy and peace has overflowed into my job and the way I treat my students as well. I spend more time praying and reading in the morning and it has made a world of difference.

I am so grateful to the Lord for being faithful and for not giving up on me. He is so patient with us and never leaves us and He promises that in his word (Deuteronomy 31:6). We can take comfort in knowing that there is room to have doubts and bad days and worries. And we can always share them with our Creator who knows them anyway and doesn't condemn us for them (Romans 8:1). AMEN to that!

For His Glory,
Jessica