Storm Warning

{Beware: this is probably my most honest post ever.}

For those of you who don't know, my mom was diagnosed this week with uterine cancer. Wow. As the doctor delivered the news, I could not believe what I was hearing. More bad news? I. was. angry. My first thought was "Have we not been through enough?" I spent the rest of the day trying to stay positive but really, in my heart, I was angry at God and my hope was nonexistent. Then, yesterday morning, I had to drive to Jackson for a meeting at my school. This afforded me some hours alone in the car. On the way there, I started thinking about the last 8 weeks of my life. I thought about what the next few were going to look like with mom's surgery. The only way I can describe how I was feeling was H E A V Y. I just had  deep aching in my chest. Sad that Dad isn't here to go through this with us, fearful about what the doctor will find during surgery. I just felt this immense weight. When I got to Jackson,  I got a phone call from a lady at my parent's church (looking at you Mama Miller :). She wanted to offer some encouraging words and to ask if it was okay to send out a church wide prayer request about my mom. After telling her it was okay, I hung up the phone. All I could think though was, "What's the point? Tons of people prayed for my dad and that didn't turn out how we wanted it. Why do I even pray?"

After thinking about this for a few moments, I went on my way because I had a few things to do before my meeting. Usually, I just turn on my iTunes radio station to something upbeat and contemporary but yesterday I chose to go to my All Sons and Daughters radio station. If you haven't listened to them, you should. It seemed like all of the songs  I was hearing related to the fact that God doesn't change. He is always faithful, even when I am not. Even if my faith wavers, He does not. The Lord then pulled to memory a verse from my devotional the night before: Deuteuronomy 30:19

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live."   

I then decided that I am going to choose life. I am not going to live in fear of what a doctor will tell my mother. I am going to choose to believe that God will heal my mother, whether it is in a way that I like or not.  All of a sudden, I was flooded with peace. Even though, my faith had been wavering, God did not. He is a firm foundation that does not move. I choose to stand on the Rock and not let anything take away my faith.

To wrap all this up, as I was driving home from Jackson, I drove though a small storm. I couldn't help but think about the parallels to my life right now. (I know you have probably all heard a cliché sermon on the "storms of life" but bear with me.) Sometimes, storms are short and you can see the light at the end of the clouds. But, sometimes the storms are dark. You know that it will end at some point, but you just can't see the silver lining yet. That's how I feel my life is like right now. I know that one day, my family will make it to see the other side but right now it's just clouds. That is why, more than ever, my faith has to be built on the Rock and not easily deterred. Join with me as we declare healing over my mom and praise the Lord for being Him, no matter what!

For His Glory,
Jessica

Security

Security: freedom from care, anxiety, or doubt; well-founded confidence

Growing up, I was never in need. I was always fed, clothed and loved as every child should be. When I was little, I attributed this to my parents as they worked to provide for our family. But as I get older, I am starting to realize that God was/is behind it all. God is the one who is faithful to provide for my needs. He provided for my parents, who in turn, provided for me. It is because of my wonderful parents that, so many times I have trusted them more than God.

I looked to my dad to be my security so many times. When I had a big decision to make, a spiritual question, or anything really, I always went to dad first. I had to know his opinions, thoughts, concerns, etc. on whatever I was facing. I wanted his approval and blessing for whatever I was going through-THEN I would pray about it and read Scripture. I went to dad first because I knew that he would pray about it for me and he knew the Bible backwards and forwards.  My confidence would come from knowing that dad thought it was okay. Instead of immediately taking my concerns/fears/worries to the Lord and seeking Scripture, I took them to my dad. Even as I write this, I know that I am so blessed to have had a dad who provided me with almost too much security as I know so many people where that is not the case. 

Thankfully, as I entered the "real world" about a year ago, I was experiencing first hand the Lord's faithfulness and provision. Now that my dad is gone, I am learning to seek the Lord first, above all. I can no longer rely on my dad for my guidance and security, it's just me and God. 

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant-not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills but the Spirit gives life." 2 Corinthians 3:4-6

For His Glory,
Jessica