Wild and Free

Even though I seem to have pretty much hung up my blogging shoes, I am too inspired not to write this. For the past few weeks, I have been apart of a bible study at my church as we read through the book Wild and Free. I had no idea the impact it would have on me and how God would use it to grow me. 

For the past year - let's get real, probably 2 years - I have struggled a lot with being single. Honestly, I can't believe I just admitted that but it's true. I struggled so much so, that I became obsessed with wanting to know who was single and constantly wanting to be set up with friends of my friends. It was pretty bad. When I think about what was driving this deep yearning, I believe it stemmed from a desire to be known and to be loved by someone. I thought if I had a significant other, I would never be alone because there would always be someone to care for me. When my dad was still alive, he was my back up plan. I always knew that if marriage wasn't in God's plan for me, Dad would take care of me. After all, he probably knew me better than anyone. But he can't be my "plan B" anymore. So naturally, I have been seeking that from someone else. 

As I was reading my chapters for this particular week, I came to a page that had Psalm 139 on it- verses I have read many times before. This time, it felt as if I was reading it for the first time. The beginning of it says: 

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain."

It was then I realized, all of the things I have been searching for in a guy I already have from my Father. It blows my mind to think that the Creator of the universe knows me better then I know myself. And even more then that, He knows me and He STILL loves me in spite of all my sin. As the writers of the book eloquently put it, "To be fully known and fully loved gives us immense and crazy freedom to be the woman God made us to be, to respond to the Holy Spirit without fear, and to love without reservation." After reading this, it was like a wave of freedom rushed over me. No longer am I bound by this desire to be known and loved...I already am! This frees me up to be who God created me to be and to walk boldly in that.

You may not be able to relate to this at all, but I know someone can- someone who has been searching for their worth or identity in anyone other than God our Father. Take heart and know that you are already loved and known..you just have to accept it!

For His Glory,
Jess

Wild and Free small group

 

  

God the Father

Wow. It has been an extremely long time since I have written anything. When I started this blog, it was a place for me to process my grief and what God was teaching me and it has definitely accomplished that purpose. Of course, life has been moving at warp speed and I have neglected taking the time to write my thoughts. Alas, I am here to write again. May God use my words to encourage you through what he has been teaching me!

Throughout my life, I never seemed to struggle with the knowledge that God is my Father. I was blessed with an amazing one here on Earth so it was not a stretch for me to understand that God loved like my dad did. Or so I thought...

After my dad died, I quickly realized that I had not been seeing God as my Father but seeing him as my Protector, Provider, Redeemer (which, of course, he is). You see, why did I need to understand God as a father when, even with his flaws, I already had a pretty dang good one right in front of me. God in his perfect timing started to unveil this truth to me in the days that followed my dad's death as a dear friend of mine, who lost her father at the age of six, told me that she didn't start to truly understand the Father aspect of God until just a few months prior. When she shared that with me, I remember thinking that if it took many years to process and understand that, then I would try to work through it later. Well...it's later. 

As I have shared before, Dad was (for lack of a better word and among MANY other things) my security plan. I knew that no matter what happened in life, I could always run to him and cry in his arms and he would make it all better. This dependence upon him has left a huge void as you can imagine. I have thought, "I can't wait until I get married so that I know I have someone to take care of me and love me like Dad did so I won't be alone." Wow. Even as I write that, I am embarrassed to admit it. But how many of us have the same thought process? If I only had _______, I would feel safe, loved, valued, etc.  But praise the Lord, He is is teaching me that His love is all I ever need. God is using music to minister to my Spirit and heart, like he has done so many times before, to help me with this. Last Sunday at church, I heard the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. The chorus says, 

"You're a good, good Father. It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who are. And I am loved by You. It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am. "

The words moved me. God is my Father and he loves me. That is who I am. I don't want to be defined by what I do, who my friends are or what people think of me. When I think about myself, I want to be defined by the knowledge that God is my dad and he loves me. Period. I know that I will never get over the loss of my Earthly dad, but my Heavenly Dad who created me and knows everything about me is still here and loves me unconditionally.  Psalm 68:5 days, " Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation." Thank you Lord that I can find my security in You! I don't have to feel alone because God is with me and he knows more about me than I even know about myself. 

If you are struggling with being defined by success, beauty, the affections of others, or any other number of things, I challenge you to begin praying what I will be praying. "Lord let me see myself the way that you see me." 

You are loved by your Father. Once that truth sinks in, I believe we will not care about anything other than bringing Him honor and glory. 

For His Glory,
JCR